@zimtiki's review of Twisted Metal III
★★★½
In the hands of new developers, the Twisted Metal series returns, with an identical story to the second game. Basically, we’re just doing the world tour thing from now on. Once again we have the returning combatants Sweet Tooth, Warthog, Minion, Axel, Outlaw (Brother AND Sister back together!), Roadkill, Spectre, Mr. Grimm, Hammerhead, and Thumper who no longer has a flamethrower and is therefore fucking laaaameeee. The newcomers this time include the insane little motor-car Firestarter (who DOES have a flamethrower), the annoying little black-hole-leaving buggy bitch with a smiley face on his roof Club Kid, the cool as fuck drill-truck called Auger, and the SEXY (Left-Square-Square-Square-Left, thank me later) Flower Power, who uhh, shoots flowers. Once again, the winner will have any wish granted by Calypso after they win the competition. So how is this game? Well, remember how I said this was a new developer? Yeah? Well, that’s not a good thing, here. The graphics seem to have gone back to the more simplified graphics of the first game, and the game looks a lot shakier than its predecessors. The PS1 often has blocky textures that sometimes move unnaturally, but it’s ridiculous in this game, I got motion sickness playing this, and I play VR games with none of that anti-sickness shit on, I do not get motion sick easy, but this game managed it a couple times. Also, my only real complaint about TM2 was how often the enemies used their freeze attack, but now? I take it back. In THIS game, the cpus are all fully aware of where everything is on the map and when it spawns. I can’t tell you how many times I got into an intense fight with someone, then out of NOWHERE, they’d bail on the fight and drive STRAIGHT into a health pack that JUST spawned across the entire map, and these health packs will bring someone with a splinter of health left all the way back to over half-health. They also take weapons, which you’re already low on to begin with, and your machine gun in this game is worthless. What’s worse is that BOSSES do this shit too. Do you know how much it sucks to chip away at someone’s health for 10+ minutes just to die, and see them revive themselves the entire way back up in those three seconds you were gone? It’s a nightmare. LUCKILY a developer saw this and realized it was fucking horseshit and added this code to the game: Down-L1-Down-Start-Triangle, which stops enemies from rushing to health. They WILL notice it if they drive near it, so while it makes the game easier, it still feels entirely fair, and makes the enemies act more like actual human players. Oh and one last note: the endings. Holy. Shit. So the endings in TM1 were just text, but they were pretty interesting. In TM2, they were comic pages that were animated and had voice acting. Some of the endings were funny, and some of them were much deeper and darker, I still love Twister’s ending, so fucking good. But this game? Nah, Calypso decided he was done being serious, and the contestants decided to make the fucking worst wishes of all time, it’s NUTS. Like you don’t understand, these endings must’ve been written by five year olds in a pre-school creative writing class. When you win as Sweet Tooth, the psychotic murderer, what’s his wish? No fucking joke: “So Sweet Tooth, your wish is to eat all the candy and ice cream you want? Your wish is granted” then it shows sweet tooth AT THE DENTIST and Calypso is like “you should’ve brushed your teeth between snacks!” Like what. The. Fuck. Mr. Grimm comes in and Calypso is like “oh you want my soul?” So he… crushes him with the sole of his shoe. Which didn’t make sense since Mr Grimm wasn’t tiny but… and Hammerhead… it’s a grandma and her wish is to “watch TV all day” like why the FUCK did you join this competition then, just fucking DO THAT. The WORST ending has to be Outlaw, who wishes for the world to be peaceful. Calypso’s “twist” for that wish is “uh oh, looks like you’re out of the job!” Fucking stupid. This series had such cool, dark endings, but this? This makes the game feel not worth it to beat. They are literally ALL this dumb. Just watch a YouTube compilation, it’s literally 8 minutes long. Ugh. But still… this IS Twisted Metal, and aside from this game’s flaws, it’s still a fun time that’s hard to master, but a blast to get good at.
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